Your Daily Disappointment

The world reviewed, one shitty thing at a time

Author: Expect Man

Irons

February 19, 2022 /

Buying the best iron available gets you very little more than picking one out of the “Even We Can’t Unload These” bin at the local Good Will. That’s because irons are primitive creatures that do something so elemental that they are unevolvable, like sea sponges, hammers, and game show hosts.

This is especially ironic (get it?) because irons are constrained by the geometry of planes to be miserable at their job. They have to be small enough to maneuver into corners, but large enough so that you don’t feel like you’re scrubbing the deck of the USS Infinity with a toothbrush. We are geometry’s prisoner as we mass-press areas without folds or corners, and then become obsessive mice as we repeatedly throw ourselves against a tuck or crease.

All so we can have flat clothing.

What a waste. In two months in a tenth of the time we spend ironing, we could reverse the norms so that wrinkled fabrics are a sign of good breeding, and ironed clothing is the social equivalent of a 7-carat pinky ring.

And we have the perfect excuse for legitimizing our laziness. While we are replacing our lightbulbs with low-heat versions, we are cranking up the dial on our irons from Poly to Cotton to Globe Warmer. Wrinkles say you care more about the Earth than about The Man’s smoothness fetish.

Wrinkles are life! Life is Wrinkles!

Expect: 4
Reality: 1

Pizza

February 18, 2022 /

You make dough the way we have since we discovered fire and edible dust.

You roll it out flat. Not into a crescent or a torus or anything with a twist in it. A flat circle. Geometry does not get more primitive than that.

You make some tomato sauce. That can be tricky, what with having to heat up the tomatoes real good and drop in a spoon of well known herbs.

Then you have to shred cheese. Take it apart into little bits. Uniform sizes or dust ‘n’ chunks, it doesn’t matter.

Put it in a freaking oven.

Look at it now and then.

Why is it, then, that 99 out of a hundred pizza places cannot manage to get all three constituent parts right simultaneously: flattened bread, warmed tomatoes, cheese shards?

Yet we don’t learn. We enter an unfamiliar pizza place thinking that, since it is in the full-time business of doing nothing but making pizzas, and have been making pizzas every day for the past forty years, maybe it will manage to get all three ingredients right at the same time.

Nope. The bread is soggy. The sauce tastes like yesterday’s tomato soup, tarted up with a squeeze of ketchup. The cheese is orange, burnt, or came in a block stamped “CHEESE.” One, two, or three of these conditions will obtain. Always.

Maybe if we dropped it down to just two ingredients, we could get a decent freaking pizza without having to go across town to a place that is one old Italian man away from closing forever, taking with him the now impossible dream of cheesy bread with red sauce done right.

[rating=expectation:10;reality:5]

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